


Shadow

by WintersBrightLight1926



Category: Figure Skating - Fandom, Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF, Original Work, Sports - Fandom, Team USA - Fandom
Genre: Enemies, F/M, Friendship, Mentions of Past champions, Sports, To friends Again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-28 07:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10826610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WintersBrightLight1926/pseuds/WintersBrightLight1926
Summary: Adara Whitfield was considered the brightest rising star of figure skating in the USA. At the breakthrough moment of her career she is suddenly injured. Her confidence is shattered and she is abandoned by her federation after a string of lackluster performances. With her options running out she is forced to return to the one place she thought she would never step foot in again to train with her former best friend USA's Mens National Champion Taemin Nakamura who seeks a fire that will take him to the top of the world podium.





	1. Chapter 1

_“Our goal is to improve from here and get back on track for nationals and worlds.”_

She had thought it would become easy if she just spoke what she wanted. Was it really want she wanted? In the past her days had been filled with excitement, the preparation had been a rush to her. Now she was empty, and as cold and lifeless as the ice she carved patterns into each day. The cold of the ice rink used to be easy to her, now she longed to shut it out. Day by day she had thought things would get better, that at some point she was going to snap and get back into it. At some point after it all she had to stop falling.

_“Well it has been a bit of a rough ride since worlds. I spent most of the summer doing physical therapy, I wasn’t on the ice that much the past few months but now that I am I know training will start to pick up soon.”_

The truth was she had been falling for a long time before the injury, she didn’t remember what it was like not to be stuck in midair wondering why she was still here. She waited for so long for impact, that she wondered how hard it would hit when she did finally reach the bottom. Slow motion, that was what she was in, yet she was moving so fast. She sat against the wall, waiting for the moment her coach would return from the ice to convince her that it was best for her to keep practicing through the frustrations. She was getting so close. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered from the cold that was closing in around her. She was afraid of what she had gotten herself into. Another competition at this moment in time would surely be the end of the fall, it had to be. For some reason she was afraid it wouldn’t be. It could never be. 

_“Injuries can derail any career for a time, I don't want to make excuses but I think I have a pretty valid one.”_

Most of all she was afraid this was the end of everything she had ever fought for. She let the tears that had always been behind her eyes out. She had to get it together in a day, she had to get it all together. Everyone was watching, she had worked so hard to avoid it but she had been asked so many times about the criticisms and the people who said she was done. No one knew when to let up. She looked down the halls, she shouldn’t be crying here where someone could find her and report the incident online. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face. She took a deep breath and reached into her pockets for her cell phone and typed in the number she knew she needed. The phone rang she waited. A second ring. A third, she held her breath waiting for the final ring. It didn’t come, someone answered. He answered.

_“The injury is not a problem anymore, my team and I are clear that the goal is to not to win these early competitions but to gain experience from them.”_

“Hello?” the voice on the other end sounded tentative, like he was unsure he should answer. She took a deep breath again trying to find her voice again, trying to speak. She didn’t even breath, she held every sound she could make inside herself. She was frozen, unable to even think. The seconds were eternity. “Adara?” Her name, he obviously knew it was her. She couldn’t take it, she pulled her phone from her ear and hung up. She then looked down the hall and stood up quickly. She picked up her skates from the ground and wiped the tears from her eyes. That door was shut, she knew it very well but just hearing his voice for a second was… enough. 

_“My goal is to set myself up well for next season by the way I end this one.”_

She turned down the hall towards the lockers, she wasn’t going to stay here another moment. She would be on official practice ice tomorrow and she needed to get her head together if she was going to marginally make it through. The truth was she had already given up on this competition. The short was a disaster and she had no will to fight again. She was walking away from another practice, everyone knew she was throwing away another chance at redemption. She didn’t know how much further there was to fall, it was difficult to stay constant in such a powerful motion.

_“I hope to get on the world team and I am not currently thinking about anything else beyond that. Of course our goal is to go to the olympics, but we have to take one step at a time to get back to top form.”_

She had to stay strong, she was crumbling but she was still breathing. Each breath counted for something, each attempt to move forward would one day carry her through. She believed she wasn’t done, if she didn’t believe that then she would have stopped trying a long time ago. The bitter disappointment of loosing out in her brightest moment was not enough to destroy her. The pressure had been on her for so long, she had always withstood it so it could not break her now. She had to believe that, or else everything she had put her life into would be nothing but meaningless. She knew today she was walking away but tomorrow she would step onto the ice again, tentatively as she wondered the outcome of this competition.

Everyone thought she was crazy. Maybe she was. She didn’t need this competition in the grand scheme of things, but every single competition she knew could be a moment she could turn it all around. Perhaps tomorrow would be the day her pain would end, the day she remembered why it was she was here. She needed to know what it was about the ice that called her name and why even in the face of crushing defeat she continued to come back to it. She had to know if her destiny truly was here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adara skates to disappointment at NHK.

Chapter 1 - NHK Trophy  
—————  
 _“Get up, you can do this.”_  
————————

There was a rush of emotion, a blast of cold and a nervous energy. She shivered as she stepped out in the line, the other girls faces were as blank as her’s was, each one of them feeling a pressure for what would take place. The rink was packed, the Japanese crowd was ernest watching each girl. Her coach was saying something, she didn’t hear. There was clapping as a noise was spoken through the arena, she had earphone on her ears blocking out all the sounds. Her phone transmitted music to the device, the music was her program playing over and over again in her head to remind her of what was to come. The song had been on repeat all day, her mind reviewed the layout 100 times. She bounced in her skates, the nerves would only increase from here. She hadn’t coped well with them when she was younger and as she was older it became habit to exist within them. She felt it, she was still midair with the rush of the noise in her ears. 

The girls in front of her began to move walking out towards the ice, she pulled the earphones off and held them out to her coach. She didn’t even bother to pause the song, better let it keep going for when she stepped off and began waiting again. The girls were gliding out one by one. She was the last on the group. She took a deep breath as her moment approached. Everything within her wanted to pull back, to hesitate before stepping on but her body was on autopilot. She had done this a hundred times before, she knew how to warm up and prepare for what was to come. She stepped out, her blades cut the surface. She moved stiffly, ice in her veins held her as she followed a path through the group around her. The air whipped her ears as she increased speed. She was content just to slice through the ice, to gain momentum and power as she moved across it. The cold was forgotten, warmth rose through her. It was like running, then flying. The feeling was hers, it was always something she had even in the midst of her fall.

She pulled her arms in and moved her body around, spinning with her blades. She moved onto an edge and maneuvered around with her boot, her blades were an extension of her. She pulled off a few more steps before turning on the ice and gaining more speed. She took a breath, then another, and another deeper than before. She thought about, it taking into account the speed at which she was going in. Speed, flow, outside edge. She bent her knee back and moved the opposite leg back, she hit the ice with her toe pick and as she began to go into the air she pulled her limbs together to get full rotation. She pulled out of the lutz and as she did she hit the ice, lost her balance and fell backwards. Her body hit the ice with massive force, pain shot through it but she was used to falling. She used her momentum to stand up quickly, and push around the rink. 

She took a deep breath as she skated over to where her coach stood at the boards. His eyes were narrow, his expression was one that she ignored. He was angry that they were even at this competition, much less that it was obvious she had gotten worse since Skate Canada. The pressure had mounted as every eye in the skating world watched to see if she was going to turn it around. It was best to get all the mistakes out now. She pulled off her jacket and held it out to her coach as she skated by. She didn’t need him to tell her again what she was doing wrong. She knew it very well. 

The air around her would not break her fall, but she could breathe it, touch it and taste it. She moved quickly measuring each placement of her blades, she needed a single jumping pass to go right at the moment. Each breath led to the moment. She pulled her blades together in a magnificent takeoff for a triple salchow, the air around her would not break her fall. She breathed as she pulled out of the rotation and landed on the ice on one edge with smooth confidence. She tapped back again launching up with less height, double toe. One more step, she did a double loop on the end of her combo. She pulled out into a spread eagle. The combo was simple but what she needed now more than anything was confidence. She found herself in the center of the ice, she went into a sit-spin. 

She counted rotations, and then came out of the spin with flourish. She turned to see her coach his eyes on her, he lifted his hand and beckoned her to come over. He had never done that in a warmup before. They always discussed what she was to do before, this time was no different. He would always observe and give her pointers before her turn in the competition. She was the last one in this group, which meant they would have plenty of time to talk between the warmup and the actual competition. She sighed as she skated back towards the boards to a full stop. She grabbed her water bottle and turned her eyes to her coach.

“Maybe we should take out the lutz combo,” his comment is not one she expected. Changing a layout at the warmup stage was a bad idea.

“What would you suggest I replace it with?” she questioned him. He sighed as she saw in his eyes he was analyzing everything. He held his notebook in his had, on it was scribbled her layout she knew, maybe he had written something else.

“Go back around, try the lutz without setting up fro the combo,” she knew she had frustrated him by leaving the day before, he had made sure to tell her how disappointed he was in her behavior, she had apologized for what it was worth. She put down her water bottle and moved fast, she watched carefully as she went, many of the other girls were moving like her and a collision was something she couldn’t afford. She moved on auto pilot, and waited patiently for the right feeling and momentum. She knew what she was doing, speed, flow, outside edge. She was in the air with no time to think as she came out of the jump her knee stiffened. She moved her free leg to catch herself so she wouldn’t fall again. The momentum was almost too much for her, she put a hand down on the ice to keep herself upright. She knew what she did wrong, she approached it with so much power she couldn’t control it. Her training was all over the place for her combo, some days she just was able to hit it and others she would be much more difficult.

She was moving slower, she didn’t want to go back to her coach but she knew she had to. She looked at him as she approached, he was looking at his notebook, scribbling something down. He looked up as she reached out to the tissue box that Emily was standing next too. Her coach seemed a bit frustrated but she saw he was scribbling layout changes. She looked up at the rink timer, they only had a minute left out here.

“I want you to try a triple toe, solo.” He spoke while he continued to scribble. She knew what his mind was calculating, he was thinking of changing her lutz/toe combination to a toe/toe combination. She had landed it several times the past few weeks in practice, she hated that her coach was making her train it since it signaled to her he didn’t seem to believe she could get the other combo consistent again. Now was not the time to try and argue with him about it. She did as hi instructed, a perfect triple toe. She didn’t bother going back to him, time was running out. She moved fast to throw out the lesser combo, the triple toes both came easy to her. She landed with great flow, the decrease in base value would be significant because she knew all her combos would change if she did this layout. She didn’t like the plan, it would not go over well to try to change everything now. Her coach had been trying to get her to practice alternate layouts all week, she didn’t want this.

She heard the announcer above her, the end of the warmup was coming, her eyes followed the path of the other girls as every one began to skate towards the exit. She lingered for a second her eyes on the ice, the sounds around her she completely blocked out. She moved with momentum and bent down to brush the ice with her fingers, she would be on last in this group which meant she had twenty minutes till every eye in the rink was on her again, she could feel their gazes now. It had been 2 years since she had last been to a competition in Japan, it had been a good one and she had built a fanbase in the nation. Now she knew they could see right through her, that they could clearly see she didn’t have the spark she used to. Time was a blur she was off the ice with her team, she grabbed her headphones and pulled them over her ears. 

Every rink had a backstage area, a place where competitors would be waiting, right under the rink. There she would feel the rumble of the crowd when someone did well, her earphones should block much of the noise out but she always knew what was going on. She took her phone from the assistant coach to change the song playing through the earphones. Now she needed louder music to block it out. As she walked with her phone in her hand, trying to choose a song she glanced up to see other competitors coming in through the back doors, the men’s competition would take place directly after the women's and they often came early to warmup. She was about to look away, to walk back to the waiting area but her eyes met his. His hair was lighter than it had been before but his eyes were the same as they always were. She didn’t want to see him, but look in his eyes that caught her attention. They were questioning her, asking about the day before and the phone call she made. She could see everything he wished to say, but she knew he wouldn’t. She gave no answer back to him, he would be left wondering. She looked away and walked past the doors to the waiting area. 

She didn’t need Taemin Nakamura seeing the obvious, the doubt she couldn’t hide. He could read her as well as she could read him. He was at both her grand prix assignments this year, it was hard enough to avoid him and her old coach at Skate Canada now here she heard his name everywhere. The Japanese fans loved him, there were posters of him everywhere. He was the favorite to win his segment, even against the reigning world champion. She could feel his gaze on her but she knew he wouldn’t say anything if she didn’t. There was a silent agreement between them to keep away from each others business. The least he could do was leave her alone. This was their routine, avoid each other to avoid any possibility of a fight. The war between them had settled but that didn’t mean they would ever be friends again. Life had different ideas with them, she knew she was the one that gave up first but it was all she could do. It was pointless to try and save something that wasn’t meant to be saved.

She sighed putting such thoughts out of her head as she walked back to where the other girls were headed. Many of them would be doing different exercises to stay warmed up, she had her own routine and she knew her coach would want to talk through her layout. She felt numb in the midst of her fall, unable to hold on to brace herself from anything that was coming. Her eyes were open. She sat down by the wall back away from the other girls who were busy trying to contain their nervous energy. She closed herself off from the outside world, unwilling to let it in for a second. Her coach knew when she did this that he would not get a single word in to her, that was why she shut down like this. She wanted to be left alone, she could do this on her own. The truth was she had been fighting on her own for 3 years.

One more season, and the olympic season would be arrive. She was lost in thought when she saw her coach walking over to speak to her. She lifted her hand to tap the side of her headphones and turn off the song. She looked up at him without saying a word.

“Take this,” her coach said handing her the paper he was scribbling on. “I know you’re stubborn about your layouts, but this one is actually possible at this stage. You need a clean program out there, it doesn’t need to be the most difficult.” He didn’t expect her to do well here, he never had. She took the paper and looked at the layout. The triple toe/triple toe was the most glaring change. She saw he changed her second repeated jump from a lutz to a salchow as well. She hated the layout in front of her.

“I will consider it,” she said. She had twenty minutes to decide. Her coach nodded then left her there, he knew very well that she didn’t need anyone around her to prepare. Last season at least had been mostly a success in working the way they did. So they went on the way they had then, except for the concerned looks she saw on his face. Perhaps he would never get over the fact that he hadn’t stopped her from skating when he had a suspicion that she was lying to him then. She still remembered the look in his eyes when she collapsed in the middle of the ice and didn’t get up immediately. He was devastated and unable to go out on the ice and stop her from making it worse. She fell on every jumping pass after the injury occurred but she still tried each one, she never knew when to quit. He knew now how stubborn she could be, he handed her the layout as an option, knowing it didn’t matter what he said. She would do what she wanted. There was a time when her coach had fought back, but he had given up on trying to reign her on.

She saw the calculated number of points the layout would bring. It was significantly less than her previous layout, but he was right. It was actually possible for her to land every pass in this layout, and with her chances of winning the competition long gone it was probably safer to do the layout on the paper. It wouldn’t require too much thought for her to change it, it was only three small changes in total. She stared at it, letting the numbers fill her mind. She took a deep breath and leaned her head back to look at the time. She had lost track of it, she would be on next the girl ahead of her was on the ice. She sighed and stood up. 

She hadn’t done her warmups like the other girls, she stayed still while she had waited. She walked slowly, measuring each step as she replayed her layout over and over in her head. She removed her headphones. As she walked she saw someone looking at her, she wasn’t thinking as she looked back to see his eyes locked on her own. There was something behind his eyes, she couldn’t tell what it was but as she looked at his she knew her plan to do the lesser layout was gone She looked away drawing in another breath. She wasn’t going to back down for one moment, not this time. She tossed the paper her coach had given her in the trash as she walked by, she would take the mistakes over backing down. She would do whatever it took.

————  
 _  
The sun shone brightly outside as she sat out of the rink, her eyes fixed on the phone in her hand as she texted her mom how the evaluations had gone. Her coach had called her stubborn, she had begged him to let her show off her new combo for the USFS officials, he had said she was not read. She did it any way and she landed it. Even she wasn’t sure that would be the outcome, she had hoped it would be but it was difficult to be certain of anything in this sport. Her coach was angry at her despite her success, it could have gone very badly, she found she didn’t care._

_“Adara,” she would have expected her coach to come after her but that voice wasn’t her coaches it was small. She turned to her best friend, as he came over to sit down next to her. They had both been evaluated by the USFS for their potential to make a splash on the junior stage next nationals. Her coach had told her that he thought they both should hold off for one more year, but Adara was admitted to junior sectionals, Taemin’s results had not come yet. They were the same age, born 5 days apart and brought together at Ryuu Irashi’s rink. She took his hand in hers, that gesture was romantic to most people, but between best friends it was a comfort._

_“Why did you do that?” Taemin asked finally speaking after much silence. “Ryuu is furious, you would have made juniors without it. You didn’t have to.” She knew what he was worried about. Irashi had fired a student a few months before over disobedience but the case was much worse._

_“I don’t believe in backing down when I know I am capable,” she replied. “I understand what Ryuu wanted, but I knew in the moment I could hit the combo.”_

_“But he said it wasn’t about how capable you were,” she could tell how worried he was underneath the questioning._

_“I’ll be fine, Shadow,” she said. He still looked concerned she knew why, they always looked out for each other. They were the only people in each other’s lives who understood the pressure that came with being among Ryuu’s top students. Taemin had been moved by the USFS to Ryuu’s rink at seven years old due to his potential and Adara was picked up from another rink in the area at six. They had been with each other each day of their lives for the past five years._

_“You should listen to Irashi more though,” Taemin replied, “He know’s what he is doing.”_

_“I know he does,” Adara replied, “and I do listen to him, you just have to understand. I don’t just want to be the next US star, I want to be the best the world has ever seen. I can’t back down, I won’t.”_

_“I know,” he said with a sigh, he knew her well enough to know she didn’t want to take her time to get to the top. She wanted everyone at nationals to remember her name, to know that in a few years it would be her turn to blow the doors off the rink._

_“And you’re going to make it too,” she said comforting him. She knew he was nervous about getting his approval to move on. He was an amazing skater, the USFS had their eyes on him but he hadn’t moved forward as much as the other boys in his year. He began the last season injured, and this one had been a frustrating time for him as he tried to gain consistency while trying to learn new things. He was always frustrated, she could see it on his face the past few weeks._

_“This year may not be my year,” he replied, “Ryuu said to brace myself in case I wasn’t picked.”_

_“You’re going to get picked,” she said, “I watched you out there, it is the best you’ve done all year, and I saw the officials writing and smiling. They like you Tae, you’re going to make it.”_

_“I hope so,” he said. She squeezed his hand and smiled. She believed in him, she believed they would both make it. Because they could face anything together. She didn’t know what her path would lead too if she didn’t have him by her side._

_“I know so, we’re in this together. If I make it you must also make it.”_

__  
—-

The lights were glaring down at her as she stood in the center of the ice. Derek had given her a last word, telling her to enjoy herself on the ice. He had given up trying to pump her up for the competition this season, he realized that there was nothing he could say to help her. This moment was up to her and her alone. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, she clung to the air around her as it was her existence. She moved into her opening pose and held it still as the first notes of the music played. She closed her eyes as she moved slowly across the ice, she held her arms carefully to express the music. Reality was she felt nothing as she skated. She did a few more choreographic movements her choreographer was a genius but no matter what he made she still couldn’t get into the program.

She almost forgot where she was as she skated into a series of crossovers to gain speed. This part was always something she loved, speed and flying. She was flying. She was backwards, she was not backing down. Outside edge. She tapped back for the Lutz, she was in the air fast and rotating it the ice cold air embracing her. She pulled out of her air position and prepared to land like everything was in slow motion. She landed the Lutz with great flow on the exit, her heart raced but she had no time to think about it. Her movements were automatic as she used what power she had left to tap back into the second jump of the combo. The air around her, she spun fast with a determination in her heart. She needed this. She was landing. She couldn’t hold her landing, she hit the ice hard and was sent flying into the boards with her legs tangled up. There was pain in her left hip, but she had no time to dwell on anything. She got off the cold ice and skated back up to speed. She had more jumps coming.

The second jumping pass came quick, she threw all she had into it. The triple loop was not a difficult jump for her, but she knew the moment she took off she was going to be short on rotation. She fell down on the ice again this time less painful. She knew at that moment it was over for her, there was no hope in rallying for anything.

 

————  
 _  
She stood in the rain, letting it soak every part of her. Her eyes followed the raindrops as they covered everything. She put a hand out to touch the rain, she was like one frozen in time. She never thought she would be where she was now. She never thought she had it in her to make this decision. She was never one to run away, she was stubborn. She would fight even if everything was against her. She realized for the first time in her life that she was trying to fix something that could never be fixed again. Her time here had ended and the future ahead of her was bright. Her olympic finish meant the eyes of the nation were on her for what she would do next but she needed a change to go further. There was nothing left for her in this place. The rink where she had grown up, the place where her dream had been watered and cultivated. This was her last moment to say goodbye._

_Ryuu had understood, he had encouraged her to do what she had to. He was never one to hold back his students, and he believed in her. That was the kind of ending she wished she could have with her best friend, and she knew it was cowardly to just turn her back and run. She was out of options. This was the best decision for both of them, it had to be.  
_

————

She was down again on her second combo, she had put too much power into it and couldn’t hold it. She was flying across the ice, trying to pull out so she could get up again. Too many mistakes. She tried too hard. It was too easy to give up. She knew she was hollow, she knew she was just going through the motions. People could see that part. They just couldn’t see why. They didn’t  know her, they didn’t know what she thought inside her head. This place was once her home, it was never lonely before like it was now. She knew the hundreds of people around her were watching, trying to understand what she was feeling. It was alone. She couldn’t just stay down so she got up and got back into her program, she caught up with her music.

She reversed her direction, set up, pressed into her edge, bent down, tapped and flew into the air. The rotation was under, she hit the ground with both blades and fell hard onto her side. The music kept playing, she was up in a heartbeat. She stroked the ice with her blades to generate speed, she moved in time to the music executing a few steps before launching into a spin.

Leg out, perfect, into sitting position, check. Up and out. Change of foot. She knew what to do, it was programmed into her. At this point she was just going through the motions. No one knew why. She herself didn’t know why it had come to this.

She pulled herself out of the spin. She stroked along the ice, more steps. This was the point that she needed to show face, act like she was feeling each beat of the music but it was always the same. They didn't get her, and this wasn't her. She knew she had to set up for her final combo, she knew she wasn't going to hit. Everyone had told her to go for it regardless,  they didn't know what it was like to fall, she knew all too well. Her spot on the podium was gone so why go for it? She set up, she didn't have enough speed. She tapped back for her Flip, she launched into the air and completed two rotations before pulling out. She tapped back again for the double toe. Her loss in base value meant little to her. She had lost this competition a long time ago.

She slid out of the combo with a spread eagle. She lifted her arms to time, she moved gracefully along the ice but her movements had no soul to them. She was loosing out on everything. She had given her life to this and she had gotten nothing out of it. So many years of just being right beneath the top. So much time trying for something she didn't know she still wanted. She moved at a high speed sliding through each movement, she knew them all so well. She launched into her final spin. This was the part she knew she liked, the speed, the build up, the end.

She pulled out of her final spin and lifted her arms as she stopped to end the program. Another one ended. Another failure. That was all she thought when she saw herself. They didn't get her. The audience didn't understand. Her coaches didn't know. Performance after performance she knew she had only sunk lower. This competition was a last ditch effort to get back on track before nationals, and she had failed.

She bowed as the audience clapped. It was hollow. NHK was a full house, everyone courteous enough to clap, but their faces wore confusion. She had been here before, to this rink. She had won here before. Now as she stood alone on the ice she realized how broken she really was. At this moment she hit the bottom of her fall, every cell in her body shook from the shock of the impact. This is what it felt like on the bottom, cold. The air no longer wrapped around her, she was frozen at the bottom of her fall.

She moved toward the boards, she would have to wait in agony for what she knew would be her worst score yet and she would have to smile no matter how much she was breaking inside. She reached to grab a stuffed animal that was thrown on the ice. It was a nice gesture generally to do. She always knew the motions to go through even when it was ending.

Her coaches were waiting for her at the boards, Emily was holding her blade guards with sympathy written all over her face while Derek was clearly wearing anger on his. He knew how little effort she actually put in that performance. She grabbed the blade guards and put them on without looking at her coaches. She then stalked over to the couch where she would have to wait for the judges to tell her once again that she was a failure. She didn't even want to know, but she would be forced to listen.

Keep smiling, that is what she reminded herself. Keep pretending you're going to be okay.

She knew she wasn't inside, she knew she wouldn't be. Time changed nothing.

Every mistake had led to this. She knew she was at the bottom. That meant she had to rise soon right? She had to rise sometime? This downward spiral had to end, someday it had to. She had to get up, to push forward, to keep going no matter what.

"The scores please for Adara Whitfield.”

The score came up. It was a personal worst. She tried to keep her head up, to keep smiling. She couldn't any longer she looked down at the ground as if she could hide all the pain that was on her face now. The audience could see her. She pulled the pain deep inside herself as she stared down away from the crowd. She was done pretending for everyone. She marked this moment, she would be honest with herself that she was breaking and she would let those around her know what she needed to survive. She would at least try.

She stood up to walk back behind the doors that would take her away from the eyes of the crowd. She walked back and saw several girls mulling about, taking photos and talking. She sat down on a bench to remove her skates. Her coaches still were silent as they moved past. Emily handed her the bag she had brought, she put the skated in the bag and pulled out her trainers. Once she got the shoes on she stood up again, relishing the feeling of being off the blades. She stood up to follow Emily out of the rink and as she walked her eyes caught one’s she would rather not. He was staring at her, watching as she went. His eyes held ot sympathy but still confusion. She took a deep breath and looked away. She didn’t need this right now.

As she walked out of the rink she couldn't help but feel dread. A dread that she wouldn't have it together by nationals, and that she would fail again.

For all she was now was a failure.


End file.
